Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
