Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
