Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
