well I can't set my house on fire every night
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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