even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
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