if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
