I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
