Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Everything about him screamed your future.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
