the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
