i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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