So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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