i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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