This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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