Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
