At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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