my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My vagina is officially offended.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize