please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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