barbara walters just said penis...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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