Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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