My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
