nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
