FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
