He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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