She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
