Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
