I just threw up on my dentist
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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