Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
