Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
