Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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