new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
