I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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