I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
