the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
