tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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