I am puke
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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