I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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