If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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