Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
