Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
