I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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