I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
