i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
