Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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