I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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