Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it's great music for shaving your balls
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
