My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
