Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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