it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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