so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize