$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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