My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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