If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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