I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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