does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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