:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
