he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The adults are the big ones right?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
