get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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