i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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