she was so not down for the gang bang
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
